(25 votes, average: 4.92 out of 5)Pooja is a good friend of mine who lives in Mumbai. Having worked for me for over a year at an American Bank, she choose to be on her own and has been reasonably successful at that, with her fledgling entrepreneurial venture, her staffing consultancy.
Pooja was on chat with me the other day and said that her neighbor got married. I don’t know who her neighbor was, but wondered what was wrong with her! She went on and said, got married to a lady! I knew for a fact that Pooja had lost it! Wondering whether it was the effect of some weekend partying or the stress of being on her new venture that was getting to her, I kept getting on with work shaking my head in disbelief wondering if Pooja was mad before I hurriedly typed in a few notes to her before running off for a meeting.
I returned after a couple of hours and Pooja had left a series of messages for me. I read through and realized that her neighbor was actually a SHE and she had gotten married to another SHE! Her neighbor was also the HE in the marriage!
Being a very gracious person, she obviously went on to greet her neighbor and also had a chance to see pictures of the wedding. I don’t know if she got invited to the wedding or not, but what she had to say of the pictures she was very reminiscent of any other Indian women. Shaking her head in utter disbelief and wondering what the world was going to, she is a today a worried lady.
Chatting on, I asked her what was so “scary” about the whole thing. She said her little daughter; all of 3 odd years old was that neighbor’s favorite kid in the apartment complex. That put it in perspective for me. To make matters worse for her, her daughter happens to be in that stage of life where kids are all over us with questions! Questions that sometimes put us in a spot as we don’t know what to say when we get asked those questions! The little kid obviously heard that the aunty next door got married and was looking all over her house for the uncle!! No one told the poor kid that the aunty was actually the uncle in the wedding!
The news obviously spreads! In a society that is still waking up to the realities of homosexuality amid law makers around the world who are confused on whether to let this pass or otherwise, Pooja’s maid is one of those who is yet to recover from this shock. Coming from probably the lowest social strata of Mumbai, the maid apparently spent 3 hours in Pooja’s house holding her head in disbelief and wondering whether she needs to continue working for the neighbor, that she’s worked for nearly 3 years now. An educated Pooja and the worried mom that she is, is equally baffled and doesn’t know how to react.
I’m not out to pass a judgment on what is right or wrong! I just spare a thought for a good friend who’s been hit by a reality, a reality that you would typically hear / read of happening in California or somewhere else in Europe, but this time literally at her next door.
I once happened to stray off into the SOHO area of London on my last trip there, a short walk from the Oxford Street shopping area. It was one of those days when I just went wandering aimlessly, (certainly not looking for anything) when I quickly realized that I was on a street very popular for the gay men on London. Young boys were howling and screaming, expressing their love for each other on the streets. Waking alone, I felt my heart palpitating and the fear of being at risk, the risk of being physically assaulted maybe! Something that I’d never ever dreamt off ever. The ensuing 5 minutes were probably the scariest 5 minutes of my life.
More recently, we had an overseas visitor whom we were hosting. As a courtesy, my boss had to take him to dinner one of the days. My boss called me and asked me to join in. It was kind of last minute for me and I asked him why me? He explained that he was gay and my being along made him feel more comfortable! It was a hurried affair and both of us used the first available option to get back home early.
Being able to relate with what Pooja is going through as a result of my 5 minute trauma, I wonder how we are going to start accepting this new world reality. A recent Hindi movie, Dostana had my wife and me in splits. Being a very silent person, I’ve never ever seen my wife laugh so much ever! While the fun part of the movie has us in splits, we need to quickly understand that the changing preferences are probably a new world order. With laws likely to come in around this, we need to understand that people are people at the end of it and we need to respect individual choices. It’s probably a lot like someone smoking or drinking!
Incidentally, Pooja ensures that her doors are firmly bolted at all times and talks about this to all her friends. Amused at what we hear and enjoying a good laugh, we rag her saying “Pooja’s neighbor is gay!”. The trouble however is that the changing world can throw up one such neighbor for you anytime!
Image Credit: TNT Blonde
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February 8th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I once had a gay oriented person work in our company. He was good at his work, but somehow prejudices in my mind and in those of others always came in the way of his integration within the group. Eventually we had him removed because of his inclination and strange ways. I regret to this day my prudish ways and inability to see the human side.
Thanks Nars, for this very good article.
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February 9th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
It will take a long time for our society to accept same sex marriages. Thanks to the self appointed “moral polices”, I also think, Indians will move to more forward countries to get married to their gay partners. We live amidst nice people. When we have learnt to tolerate, corruption, dishonesty, selfishness,…. should sexual preference matter to us? People with same sex preference are not rapists….there is no reason to fear to be with them. If you are attractive enough and if they think you could have a similar orientation, they will make you a pass. Politely refuse. Nice article. Would have rated 5/5 if it was more neutral. Rating it 4/5.
I am a HE who is married to a SHE. My sexual preferences are the same but I strongly believe that moral policing should STOP and every individual should be respected.
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February 10th, 2009 at 3:28 am
Why would one not explain to a child that it's a person's preference, will we want them growing up to think it's not the right thing or that we should maintain a distance from such people. I have met a couple of gay men and they are such wonderful human beings , what matters more the kind of people they are or their preferences that doesn't cause harm?
Why is it a trauma Nars, its not criminal!
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February 12th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Very well said, Arthi.
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February 16th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Goks – Thanks for your comments and feedback. I am also someone learning to cope with the realities of life. I am absolutely fine with personal choices that people tend to make – just that like most other, I am a little slow on the change wagon! Cheers!!
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February 16th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Thanks Vincent. I had a similar experience a few years ago in a call center – this was more with hiring a transexual. We eventually decided to hire this girl, but she quit in less than 3 months. I had the opportunity to meet with her and do an exit interview. She mentioned how a job meant a whole world to her because of the fact that the world around her disowned her! I guess the change will come, albiet a little slowly!
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February 16th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I agree with you Arthi. I think the issue that my friend here was dealing with was the age of the kid – I am assuimg that there is a right / appropriate age for Pooja to explain this to her lil kid. I am sure she will. She tells me that her husband is saying the same thing too! I am sure she will. BTW – I am changing too – not my preferences, but my acceptance!
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February 16th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I hope so nars………if we had closed our doors at them, mock at them and are reluctant to go out for dinner with them………..i wonder???????
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February 18th, 2009 at 4:39 am
By the way, I've had quite a few people ping me to check if this is indeed a true story. Yes it is – i didn't make this one up. Pooja is real and so too is her neighbour and this incident.
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February 18th, 2009 at 9:31 am
This is True..I am the”Real ” Pooja. I agree with you Arthi. My husband thinks there is no question of teaching kids something that's unrealistic and I'm being silly by telling her boys marry girls and girls and thats it….. after giving in to him I have tried to tell our daughter that one can marry anybody we love(irrespective of anything) but now she wants to know why her father has'nt married any of his buddies who give her chips and chocolates instead of daal rice like her mom does:)
But I do think..these are sensitive issues.. but by explaining them to a 3 year old you tend to trivialize the situation coz there is only that much that she can understand. …And sure..when she is old enough to know what marriage is and preferences are we will teach her there is no right or wrong aspect to being gay.
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February 18th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Thank you Pooja. I am sure you are searching for real creative answers to tell the young baby that Daal Chawal is healthier than chocolate and chips! Take care and have fun. Hope you don’ mind me writing about you and your neighbour!!! Cheers!
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February 18th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I realise that this article has provoked a lot of people to pen down their thoughts here and while this is so fervently being discussed and debated, the poor gay neighbours are completely oblivious to this discussion. Wonder what they would have to say about this ?
All that said, a lilttle 3 year old baby can get influenced by a million things that happen in society today, gay marriages probably being the smallest spec in this huge space. So like husband said (right from the start) and Pooja (finally now) , its better to let the kid be..There is a whole life time to advice them…
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February 19th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
thanks Pooja. I am sure you now know that there is a damn good reason as to why dhal chawal is better than chocolate chips! Have fun!
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