If you’ve worked in a software company, I am sure you might have come across many funny situations that remind you of Dilbert, the famous cartoon strip.  I am just trying to present some of them (of course a bit exaggerated) within the frame of Indian IT companies.

Manager: We have to streamline our process.

Meaning: No billable work from the customer. Be prepared for documentation (Aaaargh!).

Manager: We have done a good job so far. We need to raise our bars and provide value added service to the customer.

Meaning: I am due for a promotion/appraisal.

Manager: Anyone can write a couple of lines of code and make it work; but how well we can adhere to the process and improve our productivity is something far more important.

Meaning: You are due for an appraisal (promotion is completely out of question).

Manager: Knowledge management and dissemination should top our agenda.

Meaning: Someone in the team has decided to leave the company.

Manager: (To someone outside the team) I think ‘my guys’ would be able to help you.

Meaning: You shouldn’t ask such technical questions to a Manager, that’s way too complicated for me.

Manager: Congratulations! You are nominated for the Employee of the year award!

Meaning: I came to know about the new [better] job offer you’ve got!

Team Lead: May be you can do a bit of research on this topic and give a presentation to the team.

Meaning: You’ve been asking too many questions and I don’t know the answer.

Team member (In a meeting): Do we have a team structure in place?

Meaning: Well, I think I am fit for the role of Team Leader..you know..if you insist..!(Imagine an accompanying evil grin)

Colleague: I am not interested to work in the US; I have lots of commitments here.

Meaning: To Hell with the embassy! They rejected my visa.

Team Member: I have written a new tool and it saves a lot of time for me, may be you all can give it a try.

Meaning:  I want an onsite (overseas assignment).

Team mate: What yaar, stupid company, stupid management, stupid project. We aren’t getting much exposure and I don’t think anyone in his right mind would work here! It’s high time to change our jobs.

Meaning: If you leave the company, I will stay, my position will be safe.

Colleague: How long is your onsite assignment?

Meaning: How much is he going to earn..(Sigh!)

To the Manager: (In an appraisal meeting) Is there going to be a change in our team structure?

Meaning:  I know I am not going to get any promotion, is there someone else getting one?

Team Mate: Please don’t forget to fill the timesheets, ok? (Chances are high that this question comes from your colleague one fine morning, leaving you in complete bewilderment.)

Meaning:  I have already ‘assumed’ the role of ‘Lead’ you see..! I will be the one approving your timesheets in future.

Image Credit: Oliver PK Mao

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